Berlin Party parties

Results are in. Berlin has voted for it's local parliament. Just so euro of course made a brief appearance in the capital to experience it all first hand. In case you had your head in the sand for the last 48 hours: Wowi won, Angie's party (the CDU) experienced small gains and the FDP officially confirmed their total lack of popularity.

But who cares about the big boys? We pretty much knew all of that stuff before the election. What about all the other stuff going on during the election weekend? Take these guys on the left for instance. This is "The Party". They didn't get really that many votes in Sunday's elections, but they hosted a wicked S-Bahn party on Friday night in the S75. And, they dress pretty sharp. Any male German politician that can wear a decent suit is bringing pretty good credentials to the job, I reckon.

I think it's fair to say that Klaus Wowereit's party won't be searching to form a coalition with "The Party". Who Wowi picks as his sidekick remains to be seen at time of printing in fact.

But just in case - what are the policies of The Party?
- banning pub crawls city wide
- introduction of a Berlin fashion wall, the longest catwalk in the world, and
- using Prenzlauer Berg as a storage area for nuclear waste.

Land Ahoy

The big winner from the elections however was the little-known Pirate Party, who picked up nearly 9% votes despite campaigning for the first time in Berlin. Their platform of free speech and transparent politics does sound attractive to Joe Public, but the group admits that they still have a lot of learning to do. As yet they are uncertain who will be the party leader in the Berlin parliament for instance. They seem certain that they don't want to get involved in piracy on the high seas, for now at least.

Party heavies believe that the surge in popularity for the Pirates is due to a lack of any other decent political alternatives. I'm not sure though. This impressionable young Berliner on the right said he voted for them because he "liked the name".

Ode to "the Crazies"

My number of remaining days in Berlin is coming down into single figures. So, it's only right that at this juncture I take time out to thank the fantastic mix of "crazies" (Ger: Spinner) that make this city what it is. There's a guy that lives near us that always writes messages about ravens. I really don't know what he wants to tell us. Here's a translation of his latest poem:

Gondel Gukolya Abraxas

In April/May 1993 I found a half-dead "raven",
because of my nut tree which is not allowed
to be harvested. But then it was!

I have a sneaking suspicion there could be a hidden sexual or political reference in there somewhere. Any help you could give me would be much appreciated.

Of course the personal stories of these people are often sad ones. Their behaviour may be because of earlier (or ongoing) drug use or alcoholism - their lives may well have been spent mainly on the streets. Most visitors to Berlin will have seen them in the train, just circling the city on the Ringbahn spouting wisdom to anyone who cares to listen. After five years here, I still always just stand up and move off when I feel my personal space is being encroached upon. I really must try to talk to one of them one day. Schwach von mir, sehr schwach.

Future of Berlin cricket in doubt...

I normally don't like to use this blog to beat my drum too much... but this week I just have to. This is the biggest untold story in the capital right now, hands down.

Berlin's cricketers received the shocking news this last weekend that the city's only ground, Körnerplatz, will no longer be able to be used for cricket. Dismantling has already begun. Talk about a king-hit! This, on the weekend when the WHOLE WORLD was watching the World Cup final from India - even the German press got involved at last.

The Körnerplatz ground has been home to Berlin and German cricket since 1948, when the British troops built a pitch here. Since then it has been used every summer, crammed full with foreigners (and a few Germans) from all works of life - all united by one thing: a love of cricket. Now those days seem over and it's all to make way for an Olympiapark guided tour, where God forbid, one of the paying guests could get hit by a cricket ball. I knew that Berlin was turning into a sell-out, but this has to be the saddest thing that the city has done so far.

Dear Berlin Senate, you claim to be multicultural and tolerant towards all of us here. Well, stop this craziness now!

Attack of the OOOFS!!

This, is Alan. We can't show you his face for reasons of privacy. And, because he's from Berlin's Office of Order (Berliner Ordnungsamt).

There's an old German saying, Ordnung muss sein (best translated to "Orderliness is a must!"). Needless to say, it isn't a very popular saying in Berlin. Or if it is used, it's always meant to be ironic. After all, everyone's just SO creative here.

But that doesn't mean that people can park wherever they want... or that's how Berlin's authorities see the situation it seems. At the start of the year they built parking bays all over the place in my area and set up pay machines too. Since then the streets have been swarming with Office of Order foot soldiers (OOOFS). Every time I park my car - honestly, every time - there is someone within a 50 metre radius checking residents' parking permits. Although, they are part of the general Office of Order, the OOOFS really do just specialise in monitoring the parking situation (long German compound noun: Parkraumüberwachung). And they are extremely focussed on just this one job. In fact, I bet that you could set a car on fire in front of them and they wouldn't raise an eyebrow. As long as the car was parked correctly.

There are arguments for and against these little guys of course. It's a really hot water-cooler conversation right now. (It's true, sometimes it is so cold we set up our water coolers to pump out hot water... just joshing, you know what I mean.) You see: on the one hand Berlin needs the money from it's hopeless parkers - the city is still massively in debt. And the OOOFS do contribute a lot of revenue-raising power. On the other hand, if the council is going to take on so many new workers, why not get them doing other useful things - cleaning the place up a bit, fixing roads or doing social work?

The difference is: the OOOFS pay for themselves of course, because they raise money for the city. Unless, it's cold and raining - then they stay inside drinking coffee. So, um... anyone for another winter?

The End of an Era

Berliners are in mourning this week following the loss of their favourite son, Knut the polar bear. On Saturday, in front of hundreds of onlookers, the big fella just rolled over and died in his swimming pool at Berlin Zoo. An initial investigation of his corpse suggests he was suffering from brain damage.

I find it hard to get really emotional about this, especially when there is so much human suffering around the world already at the moment - in Japan, the Arab Peninsula and North Africa. But that didn't stop the local tabloid, BZ, printing a special edition booklet commemorating the life of Knut and his former zookeeper, Thomas Dörflein. The Berlin Zoo says it is going to build a commemorative statue for Knut. It all seems a bit over the top really.

But I will miss him too, a bit. Over the four years of his short life, "our" polar bear became a source of constant news for the Berlin press. The death of his zookeeper, his first attempts to swim and his first romance .... we followed it all with unberlin-like enthusiasm. Now, the city is on the lookout for a new cuddly animal to idolise. Another item of fauna that will brighten up our day. But don't worry Knuto, we will never forget you.

Nuclear power? No thanks.

People in Berlin have been watching events closely in Japan over the last few days. From what I can gather many locals have a soft spot for the Japanese people. At first there was compassion for the victims of the earthquake and the resulting tsunami. Now, things have taken a turn. The impending nuclear catastrophe at the Fukushima reactor reminds people here all too well of the Chernobyl disaster in 1986. Concerned onlookers have turned to angry protesters.

There were a series of demonstrations here almost immediately after the first headlines reached Germany about problems at Japan's nuclear power facilities. Many people are still angry about the German government's late 2010 decision to extend the usage of Germany's nuclear power plants. The government (and Angela Merkel) has now bowed to the pressure, putting that decision on ice for three months. The local protests are in addition to nationwide demos across Germany, demanding a stop to the use of nuclear power.

And, of course, everyone has been expressing their dissatisfaction by flying the now famous little green, yellow and red flag which says "Nuclear power? No thankyou". This flag seems to get brought out whenever this issue flares up again. This morning I saw a man stick the emblem across the BMW badge on the front of his car.

Playing Dress-ups

Why go down to Cologne or Düsseldorf to dress up and look silly today, when you could do it in Berlin? Well, probably because there really isn't a lot of history of it here in the Hauptstadt, I suppose. Still, I went out and played a little bit of dress-ups this last weekend in a few Berlin second hand stores - I had to, I had a guest! My favourite store is STILL "Paul's Boutique" on Oderberger Straße.

Carnival Monday (Rose Monday, Merry Monday, Collop Monday ...whatever you want to call it) goes completely without mention here in Berlin. I'm not really sure the people would be up for it. In fact, it's always poo-pooed by Berlin locals when they see the footage from down on the Rhein. But you've got to admit it, they really look like they are having fun.

Berlin to Austria

It is amazing just how far you can drive a German car. A Volkswagen will last forever, a Mercedes taxi regularly clocks up over 300,000 kilometers in its lifetime and BMWs in Berlin can get stolen up to ten times before they start to lose their appeal. But what about that bastion of East German engineering, the Trabant?

Well, this little beauty got all the way down to Annaberg near Salzburg in Austria. Then it obviously gave up the ghost ... and some enterprising restaurant owner nailed a sign to it.

Kaffee Burger

Just the other day I headed around the corner to one of the city’s favourite East German retro locations: Kaffee Burger. Yeah, you probably know it. If you've stayed in Berlin for more than two nights you definitely do. If you somehow missed it, then there's no other way around it: you're going to have to come back.

It’s not a Café at all of course. It’s a unique hovel of original retro furnishings and papier-mâché walls, with all the trimmings. It’s a club and a bar all in one – but it’s not like any of those horrible big places that you are thinking of called “Melt” or “Liquid” or whatever. It’s a genuine former East German bar to start with and there is way too much brown. The drinks board still shows prices in Ost-Marks. It feels like everyone's a communist brother or sister, united together in good spirits. Actually, everyone’s a tourist (or pretending to be one) and is probably trying to get laid.

The music is good fun too - mainly because the slide from Indie to Pop just happens so seamlessly and, most importantly, because no one is afraid to dance. Most nocturnal Berliners spend all their night at a club looking for an excuse NOT to dance. And there are so many ways to do that: you can smoke, continuously order cheap drinks or just stand there looking bored and play with your fringe. That’s not the way in Kaffee Burger though. People dance and sweat and kiss.

At about 3am I was standing at the edge of the dance floor looking across to one of the older guys who I had come in with - he was still whipping around like a frog in a blender. Beside me a young American couple, who had just got to know each other, had broken off their snogging and were looking on in amazement: “Who let that bald guy in? He's going crazy!”, she said.

I went home at 5. It was Monday after all.

The Beauty Board

This week I was in the bathroom of my local café, when I found myself looking at something quite unique. No, get your mind out of the gutter - it was a Beauty Board for men. To the surprise of other patrons, I quickly took a photo to record the moment.

It's not often these days that - as a man - you go to the bathroom and are confronted with a broad range of grooming equipment. If it is there, you are probably staying at an expensive hotel and it's generally not self-serve. Tips are even sometimes required. So, at first glance I was pretty impressed with this fixture. But, now that I've had the chance think about it, I'm not so sure. It's a nice idea, but it is also a trifle dodgy.

It's the personal nature of some of the items that really has me uncertain. I mean the hair gel and the mousse are fair enough for Berliners (although most of them would be carrying it already). Even the mouthwash may be useful on occasions. But a shaver? A toothbrush? I think this is crossing the line. You really should have to bring your own toothbrush and shaver to a café if you plan to do your full ablutions there. These really are personal items in my opinion.

By the way: first reader to guess the name of the café get's a free German-style toiletries bag. You know, the one with the hook on it, that they always hang up behind the bathroom door when they stay over?

Gentry Fication

This place on the left on Brunnenstraße is just one of many apartment blocks that has been cleared in Berlin recently, to get rid of squatters and make way for something new. On the front of the building is the graffitied message "we are all staying". Although the squatters were kicked out over a year ago - nothing has since happened to the site.

Squatting was back in the Berlin news again this last week with the highly publicised forced eviction of the inhabitants of Liebigstraße in Berlin-Friedrichshain. The tenants - who had previously been squatters - had been told by the landlords to leave ages ago, but they had been fighting in the courts up until the last minute to be able to remain in the building. In the end big business, and the riot police, won out of course. But 2500 police were needed for the operation, 40 of them were injured.

Wandering about on Saturday night in Kreuzberg, I saw the remains of the protesters. They had been fenced in by police because they had been taking part in a non-registered demonstration. That sounds surprisingly like something else in the news recently. Police were seemingly afraid that the demo would turn into something similar to what happened on Friday night, as protesters damaged windows and cars in central Berlin as they passed through.

For me the whole media hullaballoo and the accompanying protests are not just about evicting squatters, but are part of a larger issue. The squatters were just one of the many subcultures that were previously permitted to happily exist in Berlin up until about twenty years ago. But since then the city has started to undergo rapid gentrification. And THAT'S what people are up in arms about.

Putting up with squatters goes hand in hand with tolerating drunk punks and completely untalented musicians on the U-Bahn, so the argument goes. It's what gives Berlin its charm. It's what makes the city cool. To outsiders the argument might seem unrealistic. But, it does have some credence I think. After all no-one wants wealthy people like these two on the right moving in to their area, do they?

Old McDonalds

I seem to be running into a lot of children's zoos in Berlin lately. Not only did I have a work Christmas party at a children's zoo a couple of months back (as you do), but I also stumbled across one today at Mauerpark, on the site of the former Berlin Wall. Everyone here always says the little zoos are important so that Berlin kiddies get a chance to hang out with animals - otherwise they'd never get to know what goats and sheep really look like. Now, I don't recall spending my childhood rubbing shoulders with goats and sheep. And I survived. In fact by the time I was ten years old I could have happily told you the difference between a King Parrot and a Rainbow Lorikeet. Couldn't do that now... and neither could you.

Having well-rounded kids is all well and good you see, but I'm also a little bit concerned about the well-being of these urban animal performers. How does a goat feel, being gawked at all day and then petted until his horns start to hurt? Not good, I imagine, not good at all.

Just because you're a "hardy animal" doesn't mean you should be forced to put up with everything. The city does have a big zoo too you know. Kids can go there and see a whole bunch of animals, in a professional setting. These children's zoos seem to have a pretty meagre starting line-up too: a sulky-looking goat or two, a pony, some rabbits and a sheep. Well, that's not going to do it, is it? Kids today want the full entertainment package. A polar bear with a girlfriend or an octopus who tips football games - something with a little bit of pizazz. Bring back Knut, all is forgiven.

Like Berlin.... but such a long way away.

So I decided to take a break from blogging for a while. So what!? You survived, and so did I. And, what's more, the world is still turning on its axis.

Anyway, the break was long overdue - I was becoming jaded. After all, you don't want me to just show up here every Monday and write any old rubbish, do you?? So, I did what everyone does when they head off on holidays. I ended up landing in a place which kind of reminded me of the place I had just departed from.

My "this kind of reminds me of Berlin" location was Melbourne, in good ol' Australia. On first inspection the similarities seem clear - both places have pretty dodgy weather, are a bit graffiti-ed and run down and everyone in both cities thinks they are in some way "a creative". And architecturally, there are links too. Take a look at the two pictures below for instance. Which one is Berlin do you think?



See? You can't even tell can you??

Anyway, whenever Germans go to Melbourne they always tell me how "European" it is. I think that's a load of twaddle. Some Berliners will also go as far as to say, it reminds them of their own city. But, just for fun, let's see how Melbourne stacks up against the German capital on the big issues.

Dog Poo Levels
Berlin is the clear winner on this one. Melbourne residents don't seem to own many dogs per capita. And when they do, they clean up after them. That is just plain wrong.

Joggers
Pleasing to see that just as many people stay in bed on a Sunday in Melbourne as they do in Berlin. None of that mindless jangling while waiting for the walk signal to turn green - let the Sydneysiders do that. Split points on this one.

Trams
Melbourne just ahead on this count. Berlin is only half-covered in trams (only the Communist former east seemed to get into it), while Melbourne's trams are pretty regular and there is also a circle line to entertain the tourists.

Dodgy looking rivers
The Yarra versus the Spree. This was always going to be close. I wouldn't touch either river with a barge pole, but I suspect Berlin comes out with the nastier water quality. Another tick for Germany.

Mega-stadia
Two way tie. Melbourne's MCG might be more mega, but the Berlin Olympic Stadium seems to ooze a little bit more history.

Angry residents
I'm not sure that Melbourne really wants to compete on this one. But if they did, they would lose comfortably. The locals in Melbourne are very chatty and even friendly. No Berlin train conductor has ever answered a request with "too easy".

Conclusion:
Berlin is more Berlin than Melbourne. Scoreline is 4-2 to Germany, Podolski with the hattrick. It was bound to happen.

KdR

This week it's time to re-visit an old stomping ground of mine: Klub der Republik. It's been a long time between drinks at this bar. In fact it's been so long, that as I headed there on the weekend I suddenly started to become a bit concerned that it might have been closed down and made way for a hostel. But - don't worry - it's still there.

For those that haven't been, this bar is reached via a dodgy courtyard on a set of steps made from scaffolding. The first floor ex-ballroom has floor to ceiling glass looking out to the street - and it has the most unique 70s lighting system you've ever seen.

But it's still the same old Klub der Republik. Cheap drinks, good music and everyone very cool - of course. What I always liked about it was that the coolness here seems to have a real "down-to-earthness" about it. For instance, on this occasion, after an hour of sitting around looking cool and not dancing, my friends and I realised we were actually sitting in the middle of a private party. We thought the disapproving looks from the others were just the standard dirty looks that you get in Berlin whenever you walk in anywhere.

But, ah, igad, it was more than that: we'd crashed Leon's 30th birthday party. But when he found out, he had no problem with it. We should just grab some meatballs and cheese and melon skewers, he said. The beer and vodka was free. Now, THAT is the spirit of Christmas.

Let there be light!

Locals are really getting into the Christmas spirit at the moment in Berlin. People here may be a bunch of grumpy buggers most of the year round - but they do love a little bit of glowing wine or a cheeky crêpe with Nutella at the Christmas market come December time.

But obviously they'd all be happier celebrating Christmas like we all know it is TRULY MEANT to be enjoyed: namely, in the hot sun on a beach in their Speedos.

Well, now it's possible to have the best of both worlds! Euro sophistication meets sunny antipodean Christmas cheer with this exciting new product. Introducing the "DAYLIGHT Daylight Standing Lamp".

Get yours NOW. Just 49.95€ - the perfect Christmas gift!!

The Avenue of the Enthusiasts

Berliners are well known for their abusive communication skills. Other Germans often call their way of speaking "Berliner Schnauze" (Berlin Snout). So what happens when Berlin authors try to do an evening of cosy book readings? Answer: the audience goes home laughing and, of course, somewhat insulted.

The Avenue of the Enthusiasts (Chaussee der Enthusiasten) takes place each week in RAW Tempel on the site of an abandoned old railway yard near Warschauer Straße in former East Berlin. Six authors, up on stage, reading a bunch of funny stuff revolving around the zeitgeist of the week. Cost? Just 4 Euros. Can't go wrong really, unless you can't understand Berlinerisch. The evenings have been running for ages - always on a thursday night - and they have long since reached cult status amongst the students living in the area.

These two guys at the top were especially a good laugh - but be warned, it's not worth getting all "answery-back" if you are in the audience. The guy on the mic is probably cheekier than you, and he always gets the last word!

Look East

Like an annoying sales assistant that just won't leave you alone - the wicked wind from the East is back again this week in Berlin. It's calling card? Biting through all the layers of clothing that you care to put on until your skin feels like it is burning - and then not leaving you in peace until you have returned home and spent 20 minutes under a hot shower.

Most weather experts who subscribe to this blog will probably say that my assessment of Berlin's weather freak-out is scientifically wrong and that "we are actually currently experiencing a low-pressure system over all of western Europe which is being caused by the Gulf Stream and other cloud winds operating between 10,000 and 15,000 feet". But, I have findings that back up my statements you see. Today, I was hanging out at Osthafen on the Spree (skimming rocks on the river) and I couldn't help but notice that the wind was particularly cold when I turned to face an easterly direction. I think that's proof enough.

I am prepared to admit that just about all of Germany is suffering from very cold temperatures at the moment. In fact, EVEN Germany's larger than life ex-goalkeeper Oliver Kahn was grounded in Munich today due to snow and ice at the airport. As a result he wasn't able to take the balls out of the bowl at the 2011 Women's World Cup final draw which took place in Frankfurt tonight. Everyone was very disappointed.

But anyway, back to the topic at hand. I think all of you who have been here in winter know now that Berlin feels 10 degrees colder than anywhere else in Germany .... and I am blaming the winds from the East!

The Bademeister

The great thing about Berlin are the unusual, historical sights that you see when you least expect it. Like when I headed for a swim today at Ernst-Thälmann Park in the east of the city.

This mega-sculpture on Greifswalder Straße depicts one of the former bosses of the German Communist Party, Ernst Thälmann. It is about 15 metres high and made of copper. You don't get sculptures like that anymore. Up close it's a pretty tough-looking piece of work to be honest - especially when half covered in graffiti. But it fits the area quite well, because ETP isn't exactly the most charming of Berlin's public parks. And Thälmann's story isn't such a happy one either: after leading his party from 1925 until 1933, he was arrested by the Gestapo and - after 11 years in isolation - was shot dead on orders from Adolf Hitler in 1944.

Rumour has it that after the "fall of the wall" the sculpture was due to be ripped down. But, as so often happens in Berlin, somehow it hung on and it is now in a bit of a state of limbo - half-loved, half-despised. I, for one, hope that it stays.

Sensory Overload

Sorry for the missed entry last week everyone - I've received a lot of concerned fan mail here at the office. It's reassuring to hear that many of you are such devoted fans and wanted to get in touch, it's concerning that some of the sillier ones amongst you attempted to letter bomb our headquarters to show your disappointment.

Anyway after being out of town, I thought my return to the capital had to be celebrated by something classically Berlin. So, clearly, it was time to go and see some live screamtech electro from Canada. I headed with my cultural reporter Alicia H. to Crystal Castles at Columbiahalle on Monday night. The gig was a beauty. The soundsystem there really does do the job - I still am struggling to hear my colleagues at work - and the band's lead singer Alice Glass also makes a conscious effort to destroy ear drums.

I walked out of there pretty disorientated to be honest. On the way home we stumbled across this bit of modern art, Kreuzberg-style. It is a tree-stump (still fresh) with a rock on it named "Pherus". Perhaps the little fella was part of the old Berlin Wall? Perhaps he was a pet rock who had escaped his owner, looking for a better life? We will just simply never know.

Pub Crawl

This could be the most embarrassing thing I have ever done in Berlin. And that really IS saying something.

After years of living here and joking about the dorkiness of pub crawls, conducted by masses of drunk Englishmen in football shirts, I realised last week that I'd never actually been on one.

So, I took the plunge and took part in an "Anti Pub Crawl" last Friday night. The idea of an anti pub crawl (as far as I could tell) is to visit a whole bunch of places that pub crawls don't normally go to. The locations were all pretty different I have to say: "Yesterday" on Schönhauser Allee, "King Kong Club" on Brunnenstraße and definitely the most amusing spot, the gothic bar "Last Cathedral" - ending it all in the club "Frannz" was a bit lame though. But anyway: I'm not ashamed to say that I enjoyed myself all evening. And, that I even discovered a couple of bars that I'd never, ever seen before. Perhaps I'm not really that "cutting ätsch" after all.